Hey, y’all! I promise I am still alive over here; I’m just the worst blogger ever right now. I’d like to make promises that this will change and I’ll suddenly be this amazing blogger with hilarious, engaging content like I promised myself in the new year. I’m just surprised I’m even posting in the blog today at all as I’ve tried to write about 15 different posts and then promptly tossed them into the metaphoric trash can on Google Drive. But I’m trying to force myself to write again, even if it sounds like garbage, even if it’s nothing more than the ramblings of a hormonally unstable woman who just wants some chocolate right now. I figured I should give you an update of reasons why I have been so MIA recently.
Distracted By Netflix
Oh Netflix, why do you have to be so interesting to watch? Why do you have intense cooking shows, awfully addictive shows about doctors saving lives, and motivating reality shows about organizing your home that are much easier to binge watch than it is to sit down and actually write some brilliant piece of literature? I keep telling myself that I am not going to plop down on the couch and spend two hours watching mindless TV, but yet my blanket is so warm and the premise of the show so interesting, that I find myself at bedtime without accomplishing anything except a better knowledge of how to fold my shirts.
Gaining Weight and All the Feels
It’s a stupid reason not to write, but when you feel like a fat, stupid oaf, it really kills the creative process. I love the holiday season; I love seeing family and friends and eating delicious, homemade baked goods. But, it took the 10 pounds I had gained over 9 months in 2018 and piled another 10 on over the holiday season, and while I tried to pretend like I didn’t care and that I was totally living my best life, I was internally beating myself up for letting it get so out of control. It doesn’t help that my endocrine disorder (PCOS) makes losing weight about as easy as eating a bowl of spaghetti without spilling some on your white shirt. I have to work ridiculously hard to make any headway in the downward direction and at least get back to my lowest weight, let alone make it to my goal weight sometime in the near future.
I think this and the aforementioned crazy hormones put me in a bad place emotionally. To be honest, I had no desire to write, to fight for my health, or keep up with the housework. My husband has been a saint throughout all of this, pitching in to help and encouraging me every step of the way, and I feel like I’m coming out of a fog of frustration, sadness, and complacency. I won’t pretend I’m not still struggling a little; I still am struggling with infertility and all the weird, complicated feelings surrounding that. I still have to sometimes have to force myself to work out or eat healthy when burying my feelings in potato chips sounds easier. But I’m doing so much better and feeling more like my sassy self than I have in forever.
The holiday season, while fun, is incredibly disruptive to my daily routine, and I rely on my routine to give me the time to actually write because otherwise I find myself scrolling mindlessly through Instagram because I get distracted so easily.
I love the holidays. I spent copious amounts of time listening to my Pandora Christmas station and ordering presents on Amazon because shopping in stores is scary, y’all. I pulled out all my meager Christmas decorations and made the house look festive until I finally put it away 3 weeks ago. (Don’t judge me.)
I was thrilled when Ryan was able to spend his first Thanksgiving with my family since we became a couple in 2010. Wal-Mart has stolen every one of our Thanksgivings together until this year, so when I realized that we’d be able to take an extra long weekend and drive up to see my parents, I started making plans and telling everyone just how excited I was. My family didn’t disappoint, providing an amazing and delicious spread for all 30+ members of my extended family we packed into my parent’s home. It was wonderfully loud and happy, and I enjoyed every minute of it. My husband ate a ridiculous amount of pie, and I consumed more mashed potatoes than I’d like to admit. A month later, we were back with my family for Christmas, and of course, more delicious food and presents to enjoy.
And then a few days after we returned to Virginia from visiting my family, we flew out to Wisconsin to spend 10 days with my in-laws for a late holiday celebration and quality time with family that live nearly 1000 miles away from us. It also gave Ryan and I the opportunity to see a good amount of our friends from the area, including a few that I hadn’t seen in over 6 years. It also involved a lot of restaurant food, which is probably where a lot of the holiday weight came from. The other part was probably from the delicious care package my mother-in-law gave us, filled with yummy snacks that she knows we love.
After all of these adventures, Ryan and I returned to Virginia ready to resume some level of normalcy and while mentally refreshed, our bodies were a bit worn out with our indulgences and many hours of travel. As I laid on the couch drinking a cup of coffee, surveying the suitcases through eyes who got about 3-4 hours of sleep the night before, I realized that I hadn’t written more than 2 blog posts since October and that I should probably try changing that soon.
Coming home from Wisconsin meant facing another new challenge. While I was flying thousands of feet in the air or braving the snow to get to my in-laws’ home, my co-workers were preparing our library branch for closing. My co-workers and I knew that the renovation of our library was coming for some time now, but they nailed down a date in the midst of the holiday season. December 31st was the last day our library branch was open to the public before closing six months for construction and other changes to hopefully make our library better for customers and staff.
When I returned from my adventures in the Midwestern tundra, I had the fun of my first day back from vacation also being my first day at a different branch. Whew – that was a rough first day, but I survived. For the past 5 weeks, I’ve been getting acclimated to a bigger library with tons of different rules as it must balance between being a city public library and a community college academic library. It’s been fun learning new things and meeting a myriad of new co-workers, but it’s a bit exhausting. Sometimes, I get home and can barely drag myself off the couch to do housework and make dinner, let alone mentally prepare myself to write. Thankfully, this is starting to change as I feel like I’ve adjusted for the most part. I miss my little, busy public library branch, but the staff have welcomed us temporary staff members with open arms, something that makes me incredibly grateful.
So that’s a little update, and with a little bit of motivation and inspiration, I might actually make a comeback to this little ole blog of mine, but at least you know I’m still out here, trying to figure out this whole adulting thing. It turns out being 30 doesn’t mean you have your act together. But, thanks for reading! <3