I sit on my green Craiglist couch, completely engrossed in the important task of watching Instagram stories when the buzzing begins. First, one fly circles my head, treating me like I’m some rancid chicken breast rather than a living, breathing human. It lands on my hand, and I yell horrible things about its mother before it flies away and lands on the lamp. Yet, before I get a chance to double tap and like a picture, two more house flies are swarming around my water bottle, and I huff angrily, digging around the closet to try and hunt down the fly swatter.

The past 24 hours have seemed to bring all the flies to the house, even more so than my milkshake would bring all the boys to the yard. We’ve had the occasional fly in our house, usually when I determinedly would bring in 10 bags of groceries in one trip because I’m not a quitter. We’d kill them off quickly and would only have to worry about the occasional cricket or cockroach that would wander inside and meet with my screams of terror and Ryan’s tennis shoe. But somehow, we suddenly are playing host to 15 or so house flies, buzzing around our lunch boxes as we try to pack up our healthy food choices or trying to investigate what is in Ryan’s coffee cup.

Ryan wandered around the house yesterday, trying to find a rogue, opened window or some other explanation for the sudden increase of fly activity in our house, but he could not determine why. He donned the hat of fly serial killer and killed about 10 before I came home last night, and yet when I woke up this morning, there were still 3 or 4 buzzing around in our bedroom, including one particularly lecherous little fly who landed on my chest after I got out of the shower and caused me to screech unintelligibly at it and plot its quick demise.

In search of an answer to our fly problem, I took to the Internet, pleading with Google to teach me the ways of ultimate fly destruction. I learned two things from this investigation. First of all, I need to figure out how to get rid of those nasty insects AS SOON AS POSSIBLE because they are even more gross than I remember. Any disgusting things that the fly touched – and I’ve seen flies land on some pretty vile things – are transferred via little hairs on their legs on to the surface they just landed on. Flies can transfer anything from salmonella to E. Coli to cholera; over 100 different pathogens have been tied to house flies!! And of course, lovely Google reminded that flies also vomit on things that they land on.

Nearly in tears by this point, I frantically searched for how to get rid of these repulsive bugs, and the Internet does not seem to be in agreement on how to get rid of them. So if you see me in Wal-Mart later on today, I’ll probably have a fly trap, apple cider vinegar, ten different essential oils, an electric fly zapper, insecticide, and anything else that they are advertising to kill flies and will be sporting the wild, haunted visage of a person who has battled against the odds.

A plan in mind, I headed out the door to work, ready to escape the disgusting, fly-infested hellhole that I used to call my haven of rest. I sat down at my desk and breathed a sigh of relief.

And then a fly landed on my desk.